How to Compare Women to Cars

The Automotive Woman Theory

By Aaron Castellan

 

 

I had an intriguing conversation with a friend of mine the other night. We were just going back and forth quoting Sports Night and I made the comment that Jeremy (played by Joshua Malina) was way out of his league dating Natalie. Not only that, but when he and Natalie break up he dates a freaking porn star who....wait for it.....LIKES SPORTS. Jeremy is a computer, math guy who also has a love for sports. He's not a terribly good-looking guy and tends to be a little spazzy. So, I feel vindicated when I say that he was out of his league.
I also happened to make mention of the fact that a porn star who loves sports would be a pretty sought after commodity. (Not necessarily a porn star, but someone who obviously enjoys sex. The combination of a woman who loves sports and sex is...really what every guy looks for.) My friend, Kristin, then made the comment that I was wrong. "Girls who like sports aren't appreciated at all!" (She's a girl who likes sports.) That got me to thinking....
What could that be compared to? How can you accurately describe what kind of boost a girl gets for liking sports?
I came back with, "A girl who likes sports is really just like a nice accessory to a car. Say you buy a car and they throw in some really awesome bonus for nothing. The car is still the same, but you've got some rims now for free." My buddy Colin and I then polished up the theory to state the following:
"A girl who likes sports is like buying a car with 18" alloy wheels, sunroof, spoiler, heated leather seats, EVERYTHING. However, if the car you're buying is a Geo Metro, it's still a Geo Metro and you're still pretty freakin' lame."
Listen, one quality doesn't make or break a woman. Looks aren't everything, if only because no one thing is everything. A lot goes into making a woman desirable. She could have the rare ability to talk shit with the guys and not miss a beat (always a fan favorite). She could have an unbelievable smile. She could be the funniest person you've ever met in your life. However, none of these things on their own are enough to transform a Geo Metro into a Mercedes SLK 500.
The bottom line is, liking sports is a great thing, but it's not a deal breaker. A woman loving baseball is like getting a top of the line model. It's the E-series with all the fancy stuff that makes a 40 thousand dollar car a 60 thousand dollar car. However, the car is still the same. Little has changed other than a few fancy things that are awesome to play around with, but at the end of the day there isn't a whole lot about them that really makes the car that much better. Remember the Ecto-1? That thing was a piece of garbage. Even when the Ghostbusters put all that Egon technology on it, it still was what it was: a piece of crap.
This theory has specific categories for a different sort of girl and compares them to a specific car. Obviously, the system is not without its flaws. There are plenty of women who break the mold. They simply cannot be categorized. However, since cars are so customizable these days, it takes a lot of that problem out of the equation. First we have to begin with the type of car. We'll go from bottom to top.